And now, the News:
Capitol Hill police chased away crowds of men with fresh ten-dollar bills in their hands from the outer doors of the office of the Speaker of the House. Since she refused to admonish Congressman Charlie Rangel, powerful Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, for his ethical lapses there’s a rumor that there isn’t anything so dirty she wouldn’t do it.
Lines formed outside bookstores this morning ahead of the release of Mitt Romney’s new book, “No Apology: The Case for American Greatness.” Sales, however, didn’t seem to reflect the tremendous crowds.
Luther Matthews of Boise, Idaho was interviewed in a Barnes and Noble. “I’m just here to keep warm. I never owned a damn book in my life,” said Matthews. Sentiment was much the same in Weehauken, New Jersey. “If you bring the cup back every day you get free refills. I found this ‘un in the dumpster out back,” exclaimed Lucy Bonini, also known as the ‘cat lady’. “I liked the pictures in his book,” said Lucy. “I ate some of them.”
Obama economics advisor Larry Summers is quoted today as saying that this Winter’s storms will “distort” forthcoming unemployment figures. Summers went on to describe the distortion using a Victoria’s Secret ad from Cosmopolitan Magazine.
“As winter peaks,” said Summers, making a gesture toward the apogee of the 34-C IPEX, “we must be prepared for a throbbing bulge in unemployment.” Summers hastily added, “Women are likely to be hardest hit because they aren’t strong enough to shovel snow and that means they’ll get stuck inside their apartments, the phone lines go down, they can’t call in, they’re presumed frozen to death and they’re summarily written off the employment roles – in favor of men who were able to lift their cars out of the snowbanks and set them back down on salted streets. Happens all too often,” concluded Summers.
The Supreme Court takes up the case of a Chicago man who wants the right, get this, to own a handgun for personal protection. God help us. Known as the “What part of no don’t you understand?” law, Chicago adopted the ordinance shortly after it was announced that there was no more crime in the Windy City, hence no need for protection of the cold steel type.
Lawyers before the Court today got into a particularly heated exchange with Justice Sotomayor who asked, “Where does the Constitution give some crack-head the right to protect his sorry-ass with a piece?” Plaintiff’s council replied, “Those rights are from God, Justice Sotomayor.” To which Sotomayor responded, “Come on bro’, they didn’t even have guns back then.”